Thinking and things I notice we never do

This morning the question was raised do you want to go to Leavenworth and of course all these thoughts flash through my mind. Its as if my wife is still trying to get my attention. It's interesting we never have what we want when we want it :) Funny. But perhaps is better that way. Or perhaps we can change it. Or both can be true. I don't know maybe life will tell and reveal the way. Just to talk.

2 days ago I ran into Ando (not real name of course). He was kind of a jerk to me. Out of nowhere he insulted me about never doing what I say I am going to do. It's been with me in different forms ever since. I have been wondering why. And my Spiritual perspective says that one he was pissed b/c he was waiting for his wife for 40 minutes, and he lashed out at an easy target. I also ignored my initial feelings before I went to him. Before I moved in it felt weird, kind of yucky. Lesson - don't do things if they feel bad at first.

Question is how do I know I am avoiding something b/c I am scared or because its not right for me. Part of me want's to still play victim about the Ando situation. Why me, poor me. I am actually laughing about this as I write about it. It's funny. Quite hilarious. Oh well.

You know I kind of wonder if this blog should be private or should be public. I long to share something of value - in a tangible and fulfilling way. I wonder if this desire to be of service is flawed. Being flawed with no benefit. I want to feel good of course, so why not serve to get something out of it. Or perhaps it should be - be joyful and then serve. Serving to feel good is also right of course, however the expectation is probably not helpful.

Funny.

Also I notice that I really suck at strategy these days. We were playing Othello last night, and I found that I couldn't forecast any moves. I couldn't visualize any next moves which is a little scary. It's been along time since I have done that. I have been so focused on the Sauna and the next step for my life that looking at potential next moves on a board is hard. Funny I can do that in a different way. - See possibilities for ideas and pick up ideas about things to come however who know which one has any truth (tath, the Sanskrit word for truth). Of all the possibilities that exist, only one has Tath! And that one Tath possibility is the only one that exists. The others are all un-real here - imaginary only. Different flavors of what exists.

Hawaii,

Vacation is coming up and I would like to enjoy it, however I am worried that I will be bored. Also the word study has been coming to mind. The study.!!!

Well, I am still processing, more to come, however I have a dance to get to.

Love & Peace & Blessings as always,
Love,
Carlos