Things I desire

To be fit
Happy Playful Jovial
Connected to convenient friends
Connected to people who care in a loving and supportive way
Fun & Play is important to me
What else is there
A father
A play thing
A stern disciplinarian who knows how to delegate and speak to the child in a loving way but can be tough when needed, and when I want to.
Someone who allows mistakes to be and realizes that I can make up for them anytime. Its Okay because you have to keep going anyway. So lick my wounds and keep on going.
Playing at fun.
Staying Humble when I feel good.
Helping others and enjoying the world.
Love & Light & Blessings

I had a drink last night or two.

It was fun. For the first time in along time I attended a party and played and didn't care what other people thought. I am quite happy with my performance. It was a good thing. I enjoyed myself, and was actually immersed in my conversations. It was really fun. Lots of fun stuff last night. Some really brazen conversations too. I also noticed that some people were disconnected and unhappy and thinking about them brings pain so do don't worry about them. The most I can do is to enjoy myself and let Spirit flow. They are not my responsibility. It was a relaxing in a way. Doubt and worry are still there, but I don't care. Good slogan.


"Doubt & Worry are still here, but I don't care anymore" Now I just play and do my it my way wondering what else I will say. But what else can you do in a world where you are the center of the universe. Wether or not people come to play is up to you.

Thank You,
Carlos

Well another morning

Some times I wonder if I really want to be here. I sometimes wish I was someplace else. I am not sure why, but there is an all pervading symbolism that exists here. Something that is affecting global consciousness. I am not sure what it is just a feeling or thoughts. Perhaps there is something to be said for bliss. Just bliss. To know and live in Bliss, perfect Harmony. May all beings be in Bliss and Peaceful Harmony with all . Om.

Morning Meditation was excellent

Woke up feeling kind of blah, and had bad dreams sleep upstairs again. I am starting to wonder what the cause or if its related to my partner. Perhaps she needs a cleansing. Perhaps she is picking something up thru her yoga.

Yoga Studio is one of my desires. I have a desire to build buy or create a yoga studio, retreat center, love place.

Ooops

I missed teaching a yoga class tonight. For some reason I never even put it on my schedule. This has happened before. Its usually not a mistake, b/c I am extra careful to put things on my schedule and send myself reminders 2 days before. But for some reason I never even saw this class. Sometimes I really fear that I don't want to do this. Or that I am afraid of teaching or I don't know what to do. It's okay as always, I just wish I knew it was coming. I would have prepared for it. But I had no inkling that I had missed it.

I have noticed that I feel really bad or miserable the morning of a mistaken day / missed appointment. It's as if I have already missed it and that I have already started to feel bad about it. I wish I could catch that feeling and then trace it back to the incident that will cause the event and then re-do it so that I don't miss it.

I don't know its possible. It's funny, I just checked my latest schedule and I have added it to my calendar as always - no mistakes so its odd that I missed this one. Oh well. All I can do is to try to do better. Love myself and understand that I move in mysterious ways.

Love & Blessings to the World,
Carlos

Thinking and things I notice we never do

This morning the question was raised do you want to go to Leavenworth and of course all these thoughts flash through my mind. Its as if my wife is still trying to get my attention. It's interesting we never have what we want when we want it :) Funny. But perhaps is better that way. Or perhaps we can change it. Or both can be true. I don't know maybe life will tell and reveal the way. Just to talk.

2 days ago I ran into Ando (not real name of course). He was kind of a jerk to me. Out of nowhere he insulted me about never doing what I say I am going to do. It's been with me in different forms ever since. I have been wondering why. And my Spiritual perspective says that one he was pissed b/c he was waiting for his wife for 40 minutes, and he lashed out at an easy target. I also ignored my initial feelings before I went to him. Before I moved in it felt weird, kind of yucky. Lesson - don't do things if they feel bad at first.

Question is how do I know I am avoiding something b/c I am scared or because its not right for me. Part of me want's to still play victim about the Ando situation. Why me, poor me. I am actually laughing about this as I write about it. It's funny. Quite hilarious. Oh well.

You know I kind of wonder if this blog should be private or should be public. I long to share something of value - in a tangible and fulfilling way. I wonder if this desire to be of service is flawed. Being flawed with no benefit. I want to feel good of course, so why not serve to get something out of it. Or perhaps it should be - be joyful and then serve. Serving to feel good is also right of course, however the expectation is probably not helpful.

Funny.

Also I notice that I really suck at strategy these days. We were playing Othello last night, and I found that I couldn't forecast any moves. I couldn't visualize any next moves which is a little scary. It's been along time since I have done that. I have been so focused on the Sauna and the next step for my life that looking at potential next moves on a board is hard. Funny I can do that in a different way. - See possibilities for ideas and pick up ideas about things to come however who know which one has any truth (tath, the Sanskrit word for truth). Of all the possibilities that exist, only one has Tath! And that one Tath possibility is the only one that exists. The others are all un-real here - imaginary only. Different flavors of what exists.

Hawaii,

Vacation is coming up and I would like to enjoy it, however I am worried that I will be bored. Also the word study has been coming to mind. The study.!!!

Well, I am still processing, more to come, however I have a dance to get to.

Love & Peace & Blessings as always,
Love,
Carlos

What is to be is to be

I am sitting in my office / extra bedroom / soon to be who knows. Recording Studio. Place of solace comfort pride and joy and wondering about the world and possibility. I am wondering about my spirit, and what I am drawn to. Things I would like to change, and the offers I have before me. I would like to shed something this year. Something real and physical. In away I want to push through this year. To make this the year of Jai / Victory - Love and Peace and blessings to all. Thanks All who came along the way.

Love Peace Blessings,